Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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