so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
