so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize