dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
