Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
