One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
