somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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