I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize