Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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