there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
