omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
