I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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