I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
