I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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