Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Drunk is a universal language darling
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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