Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
