its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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