Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
