that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
