I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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