I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
