yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i don't like sucking hair
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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