Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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