Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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