just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
