guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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