Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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