Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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