what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
