she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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