Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
