also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
