checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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