Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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