Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
