the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
