Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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