Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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