I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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