Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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