On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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