Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
