i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
