I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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