Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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