I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
