I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
