i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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