two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
