I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I love you. Go after that dick
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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