Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize