I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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