I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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