i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
