weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you made out with another girl for some wings
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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