please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize