Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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