Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
