New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
