I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
