I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
