did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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