I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
