Quick, to the slutcave!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize