The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize