Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
