I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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