Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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