i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
