then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this just has baby written all over it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
