if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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