God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
