morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
