come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
